Eclipse the screenplay!
by mradrz4evr
Summary: AN EPIC ADVENTURE IN THE WORLD OF TWILIGHT everything you ever thought, then tried desperately to forget about in Eclipse! Read, review, and rethink all you ever believed about anything and everything in this book!


ECLIPSE

(Who knows how long later? It's not exactly specified. Must have been a couple of days though.)

Bella,

I don't know what you see in Edward. Who could know what you see in Edward? He's what, 103 years old and arguably transgender for crying out loud!

You know you want me...

What did I do? It's like one day you won't leave me alone, once he's back I don't exist! You--

Okay, alright, I can be reasonable here. Love me or leave me.

Wait! Don't leave me!

Anyway, just come talk to me sometime. Leave your leech at home. I hear they have crates for that kind of thing. Just keep them well moisturized.

Jacob

(Open on Bella in her kitchen. Charlie is reading newspaper, Bella is making omelettes

B: Char---I mean, Daddy, I've been grounded for two whole days now, and we know you have no ability as a disciplinarian. How long will you keep this up?

C: Oh, you're right. And besides, if you wanna make an omelette...

B: ...?

C: nudge...nudge

B: Oh, I get it. You have to break a few eggs.

C: Righto! You are no longer grounded. And add some more pepper. bella shakes more on But there are a few conditions.

B: A few?

C: Okay, one. You--

B: Let me guess. I have to spend time with all my friends, not just Edward?

C: No, actually. You have to fix me buffalo wings next saturday. The Ducks are playing Notre Dame!! But come to think of it, yeah, spend more time with the friends too.

B: head flickers lightly on flame

C: Ah! No! I--uh--mean, just the ones that are male and a bit off in personality, the ones that should appear like love interests to any sane character, myself being exempt from that group!

B: That's what I thought. unflame

C: Heheh. Sure honey. _You know, I feel I should be a bit concerned about the whole firehead thing, but I don't like to pry. Or ask. Or use my words. Or communicate in any way, shape or form, for that matter! _

B: Dad?

C: Oh! Um--hey, did you see the news!? Killings! Murder, I tell you, murder!

B: What???

C: In the news. There's been several unexplained murders in Seattle. Granted, my theory is that it's all because of our refined cultural districts and strong tax dollar support. Give people that much artistic freedom, and there's bound to be bloody death...

B: Uh...okay. I think I'll go now!

(Bella dashes out door, Charlie slowly eats omelette, contemplates his life thus far)

C: Well, since I essentially have no role in this book, I think I will have my monologue now. I really have been the most flaky, idiotic parent figure in the history of literature thus far. I mean, how little can one man be involved in his daughter's life! She flies to Italy to visit this boy that just left her, sunk her into a great depression, and eventually will likely run off with her just like Renee did with me! And what do I do? I ground her for an immeasurably short expanse of time. What will become of me? I have this strange feeling in my cop organ that no children will result of THAT marraige. And I'll be all alone again. Hmm...who will bury me? Will I just die here like I almost did that one time when I forgot to get up to pee during that overtime superbowl? Wouldn't that be the way to go... eats omelette in silence

(In the Cullen household)

Jasper: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and---

Edward: STOP!!!

Carlisle: Edward! What's wrong?

Edward: Whats wrong?? It's---it's this stupid thing!

Esme: Edward honey, I know the musical performances might not be your favorite activity, but it's Jasper's decade to decide what we do on Sundays from two to seven thirty.

Jasper: sticks out tongue

Edward: But West Side Story? Do I really have to do this?

Carlisle: sigh I guess you don't have to.

Emmet: Does that mean I can be Anita!!???

Esme: Yes, Em, you can be Anita. (Emmet scrambles to put on Edward's flamenco dress)

Emmet: high pitched squeal EEEEE!!!!!!

Alice: Already everybody, from the top!

(Cullens create strange dance formation)

Jasper: SEE THE PRETTY GIRL IN THAT MIRROR THERE!!!

Cullens: WHAT MIRROR, WHERE!

Edward: We're vampires! We don't HAVE reflections!!!

Bella: Hi!

Cullens: Eek!

(Reassemble into more reasonable formation. Bella looks on as though thunderstruck.)

Carlisle: Hello, Bella.

Esme: Bella dear, so wonderful to see you.

Emmet: light, feminine tone _Bella! _Oh,...er...I mean, grunt, Bella.

Alice: Hi.

Jasper: (walks into kitchen, humming what sounds uncannily like Don't Cha)

Bella: What were you...?

Edward: Oh, look at the time! It's your visiting hour with Jacob, isn't it! Lets go...

(Edward rushes Bella out door, Cullens share sigh of collective relief. Bella and Edward drive down winding freeway)

Bella: I missed you. It was pretty boring being at home without you. How was your weekend?

Edward: Boring isn't the word, but it was definitely...something.

Bella: Mm.

(They drive along quietly)

Edward: Sooo...you're head still going on fire?

Bella: Yeah, from time to time. I've just about gained control over the fire element within.

(Edward stares shockedly at peacefully sitting Bella)

Edward: Oh, would you look at that! Border! Out you go now--play nice! Watch out for the returned Victoria! No physical contact!

(Edward shoves Bella out of car, slams door and races away.)

B: Victoria? Back?

J: Bella. Back.

B: Oh, hi Jacob!

J: Hello.

(Bella suddenly notices Jacob is wearing a half-buttoned black shirt w/ fabio length hair, tight leather riding pants.)

B: Oh... Jacob...

J: Bella, my sweet, my love for you can no longer await the bonds of time.

B: Grrr...

J: much more realistic grrrrr...

B: It's all...so fast, Jake...

J: It can be as long as you like, my love...

(They Make out. Enjoying the cursive?)

B: Wait...I'm in love with Edward! Right!? Right??!!!

J: Rar, baby.

B: STOP!

J: In the name of love! Before you break my heart...

B: Wow, was that telling or what? But seriously, stop! punches Jacob

J: Hm??

B: AAAAWWWWWWAAAWAWAWAAAOOOO!!!!!

J: Well, when in rome...AAAAWWWWWOOOOO!!!!!

B: I broke my hand on your gorgeous abs!

J: I translate that as you not loving me. Noooooo!!!! (runs away bawling)

B: Helll-looooo! Somebody save me!'

Meph.: Sup?

B: ANYBODY BUT THE DEVIL!!!!!!!

Meph.: Sooo...ready to surrender your powers of fiery doom and destruction?

B: Nah, I'm good.

Meph.: Hm...alright then. How's life as my bounty hunter treating you?

B: Oh, you know. I've got my good days and my bad.

Meph.: Amen to that.

B: Wow...backwards.

E: Ah!!! What the devil is going on!??

Meph.: Not much, my man!

B: Just having a chat.

E: Don't you care at all about your---

B: My soul? Oh, I got it back. This might seem a tad risky, but hey, I live on the edge!

Meph.: So Edward, I know you think vampires are soulless creatures, but I do have a few positions available...

B: We'll get back to you on that. In the meantime...OH MY HAND!!!OOOOWWWWW!!!!!

E: Must take Bella to house!

(They drive back to the Cullens' house, walk into main entryway)

Jasper: Do Mi So Mi Do Mi So Mi DO AND SO IT GOES!!!!

Cullens: You must learn your scales and your arpeggios!

B: horror

E: speechless

Carlisle: Reassemble!

Esme: Bella, how nice to see you again dear.

Emmet: (arguing with jasper) Why should you be Marie and me Toulouse???? Is it because I'm fat????!!!

Jasper: We've been over this- I was built for theater! You have the stage presence of a dead wildabeest!

Emmet: Why you little---!!!

Carlisle: Boys!

E/J: Yes Carlisle.

Carlisle: Make this clear. I am Edgar and Thomas O'Malley. Esme is Duchess. Jasper-- (jasper smiles brilliantly) is Marie this week, and you'll switch with Toulouse next time. Alice is the one whose name no one can pronounce nor remember.

Alice: It's Berlioz.

Carlisle: Whatever! Now behave yourselves. After all, it's not every week we have the whole family together.

Bella: That's right! Finally back from honeymoon, Alice?

Alice: Mmhm! And I brought Harold with me.

Edward: Harold?

Alice: Blackheart in general was a little...--well, people can be quick to judge when you're the spawn of the devil, and his name wasn't exactly helping his reputation. So we got it legally changed to Harold Blackheart-De la Fonte! HAROLD!!!!

H: Yes Alice dear?

Alice: Say hi to the bro-in-law.

E: Nice to see you, Har.

H: Pleasure's all mine, Eddie.

Carlisle: Now, Edward, have you...told her yet?

E: I was just about to! Come with me, Bella.

(They walk to Carlisles office)

E: GASP!

B: What is it?

E: He's...he's been...cheating!

B: OMTx3!!!!

E: No, not on Esme. On all of us!!!

B: Ew. How does that work? Wait, actually, don't tell me--

E: He's been sneaking blood from the hospital! (holds up rose-tinted tube on desk dramatically)

B: Egads!

E: That filthy lying scumbag why I oughta...

B: Edward! Let it be. Maybe it was just a one time thing.

E: Hmm...perhaps.

B: So...what were you going to show me up here?

E: Ah, right! You're getting me a new job?

E: No! It's the finest in online database for finding monsters.

(They scroll down page.)

B: _Alagorical Number Analysts, Anatomical Theorists, Aptitude Reasoning Specialists..._Monsters actually do all this stuff?

E: All that and more. You should read the personals..._Aquatic Pet Technicians, _ah, there we go! _Assassins. _

(They scroll down to Victoria)

B: Oh my gosh. I think I saw Angela Weber!

E: There we go. Victoria Potter.

B: When worlds collide...

E: Here's her profile.

My name is Victoria Potter, and I specialize in Death Dealing, Hitman labour, some substitute teacher positions, and have extensive experience in tracking down victims of my usually perilious grudges. Currently I am in the Pacific Northwest region of North America, working to kill yet another of my many targets. My number is 1-800-IFLOOKS-COULDKILL. For exciting on-the-site job pics, visit my blog! www.fangsforhire. my spare time, I enjoy spending time dreaming about my recently deceased mate, James, or reading depressing poetry. I like puppies (dead), kittens (dead), musical theater and black pepper (in large quantities).

E: You can see where we might be a bit concerned...

B: So, as you accidentally let slip earlier...

E: so it WAS noticable!

B: Victoria is after my guts once more.

E: Well, technically it's your-

B: Blood, yes, I am aware. What is it with you people and your little blood fetish?

E: Ummm...

B: Oh, right, vampires. So, what would happen if you bit Jacob?

E: How should I know?

B: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

E: No, I am not going to bite the dog! Animal cruelty is against my morals!

B: Ooohhh...burn.

E: Thank you very much. (brushed pristine dandruff off pristine shoulder)

Esme: Edward! Bella! Come downstairs!

(downstairs...)

Carlisle: And so we think you should take a trip to New York.

B: That could be a good idea! After all, I should stay away from the vampire bent on taking my life away!

J: So many things I could say to that...

E/Jasper/Emmet: EEEEEEE!!!!!!!

J: Sup leecheees? How's death going for you?

Alice: Pretty well, thanks.

J: Glad to hear it. Bella, you know you can stay with me! I...well, I feel this can only be said...IN SONG!!!

Jasper: HIT IT!!!

J:

_You were working as a salesman in the hiking sto-ore! _

_When I met yo-ooo. _

_I helped you out, you said I was your personal sun!_

_I turned you into someone new. _

_Now five weeks later on you've got your bloodsucker back. _

_Oh life has been so easy for yoo-ou. _

_But don't forget I love you even where you are now._

_And I could be your boyfriend too!_

_Edward: _

_Don't_

_Don't you love me?_

_You said you'd be my girl and then I said that I was sorry!_

_Don't_

_Don't you want me? _

_You'd know I'd not believe it if you chased the dog and left me!_

_Cullens: It's not too late to die_

_Oh you cannot change your mind_

_And never change it back or we will_

_All be sorry!_

B: STOP!!! I don't want to choose either of you!!!!!

(Edward/Jacob look crestfallen)

B: yet, anyway. I don't have to do that until the second to last chapter!

Collective Sigh

J: Alright, but at least let me come with you!

B: Wait- shouldn't we be going to, say, Florida, where I can see the mother I seem to have completely forgotten about these past few months?

Carlisle: Jasper wants to see Equus.

(Everyone turns to a broadly grinning Jasper with uncomfortable expressions)

Jasper: Daniel Radcliffe is a dreamboat!!!

Alice: Jasper, before I abruptly wed a swinging single from hell, I was your love interest. YOU LIKE GIRLS!

Jasper: Oh, right. Well, he has talent!

(Uncomfortable expressions continue)

Jasper: In the acting sort of way!

Yet Another Collective Sigh

(On Airplane to NY)

Jasper: Airline peanuts! Open those golden cakes! Twinkies and Le-gu-mes! Ever so fine!

Edward: Jasper, you irritated me beyond belief BEFORE you started the musical saga of your far-too-long-for-my-tastes existence. Do you want to die?

B: He's your brother, Edward. Don't even think about it.

J: I don't know. One less bloodsucker on exagerates the word GOD'S GREEN EARTH would do me some good. Plus, what happens in the in-flight bathroom STAYS in the in-flight bathroom.

Alice: I really liked the musicals, though! And I did get to be Riff, after all.

_We're on a jet, It's a jet all the way_

_Jasper: From the day you get bit, you're a Cullen: Hooray!_

_Jacob: Don't do it yet, I just know I'm your man!_

_Alice: Be a sister to me!_

_Emmet: Look! They're now serving Spam!_

_Cullens: You're never alone_

_Jacob: They'll leave you disconnected_

_Cullens: Come live in our home!_

_Jacob: Your death will be expected!_

_Cullens: And there you will be with a capital C!_

_Jacob: You I'll never forget, now just don't forget me!_

_Jacob/Cullens: And we're on a jet to NEW, YORK, CIT-TAY!!!!_

B: You know, I acknowledge your knack for improvisational song, but this had better not become a recurrent theme.

Jasper: Hahaha! You're kidding, right?

_This is the captain speaking. We are now at 3000 feet, and the view below is spectacular. We should have smooth sailing from here to the big apple itself. And enjoy our complimentary spam at your own risk._

Alice: Wow, that sure is beautiful

Jasper: _Earth bellloooowww us, drifting, faaaallll-lllinngg..._

Edward: vampire death stare

Jacob: werewolf death stare

Bella: stare

Jasper: Alright. I'll shut up now.

Collective sigh pt III

Jacob: SO...this is New York!

Jasper: NE-eeew YOOOORRKKKK!!!!

Edward: dies a little bit...more

Bella: Well, lets get to Broadway.

Emmet: talking to strangely dressed woman on street Hey baby. You wanna meet a REAL vampire?

Alice: Emmet! Scat!

Emmet: grumble

(At the show. They are in front row. Stupid fat squishy rich leeches.)

Emmet: I think I am about to lose my ice-cold entrails.

Edward: I think I already did...

Bella: Jacob! Edward! Are you guys okay!

Jacob: Must...not...KILL BRITISH ACTORS!!!!!

Jasper: SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!! DAN I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Alice: I got the t-shirts!!! Oh, dear.

(stares at Bella fanning fainted Edward, Emmet looking far paler than usual, Jasper restraining himself from leaping onstage and Jacob restraining himself from doing the same and ripping apart every cast member, horse included.)

Bella: We might want to get out of here.

Alice: Agreed.

(back on the street)

Jasper: texting somebody rapidly OmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigosh!!!!!

Emmet: Well, at least it's keeping him from going on a killing spree. This is Times Square, after all.

Bella: How you holding up, Edward?

Edward: Bella, I've seen many things. Many. many. many things. But horse love with young boys...GRAAAH!!!!

Jacob: GRAAAAH!!!!

Edward/Jacob: Hey! We finally agree on something!

(they link arms, to apparent shock of Bella and co.)

Edward/Jacob: Fa-la-LA! La-la-lalalalaaaa!!!!

Alice: Jasper, I think your music is finally getting to them.

Jasper: Idk. Mbe it wnt Lst. I mn, cmon! Mrtl enmies???

Emmet: Wtvr.

Alice: OMTx3! Shpng!!!! Bff Bella???

Bff Bella: Gr.

(One shopping trip, two smoothies and one hefty credit card bill later)

Alice: Well, what should we do now?

Jacob: I'M HUNGRY!!! Don't you people ever eat??

Long pause

Jacob: Oh. Forget I asked.

Bella: Well, I guess I'm kind of hungry too. Lets find something to eat.

Jasper: I know just the place!!!

(later...)

Edward: Dinner theater???

Jasper: Actually, it's karaoke.

Waiter: Hey! What can I start you all off with?

Bella: I'll have sweet tea please.

Jacob: I'll have the sampler platter. Two ranch burgers on the side, thanks. Oh! And, uh, one round on me. Except for the youngster here...pats Bella's head. My kid sister. Cutie, ain't she?

Waiter: Great. I'll be right back!

Alice: Well, that was bold.

Jacob: Depends. You're payin!

Bella: You know, this really puts that whole age game in perspective.

Jacob: There are perks to being perpetually 32!

Edward: Grr...

Jacob: Shut up, dog.

Edward: ...

Emmet: Ooooh, burn!!!!

Alice: Oh, look! Foods here.

Waiter: For you, and you, and you, and you! Enjoy!

Jacob: Great! Thanks! Dig in, everybody.

awkward silence. Jacob eats ravenously

Jacob: looking up from meal I propose a toast. raises glass

(Cullens exchange glances, raise glasses)

Bella: Hehehee...

Jacob: To peace treaties. Given, this entire place smells like bad candy from under the border.

(Authors note: Not just prejudice- you can get that stuff readily from San Antonio, and it smells FUNKY!!!)

Jacob: But I think we can all forget our differences and relative odors and enjoy ourselves! To life!

everybody takes large gulp

Emmet: ARRRAQUAKAKKAKAK!!!!!!

Alice: RAAAAAASSSSPPPPP!!!!!

Edward: KRKKKKKRRKKKKEEEKKKK!!!!!!

Jasper: IT TASTES LIKE DIRT!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DIRT TASTES LIKE!!!!!

Bella/Jacob: HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!! To life! (they have toast)

Edward: Grr...

Jacob: Down, boy!

Alice: W---aitttt----eerrrrr!!!

Waiter: Um, yes?

Alice: Please----some raw beef. Venison. Whatever you've got. Now.

Waiter: Alright then! runs away appreciatively

LATER... (yes, it's another song.)

Jacob: _Ebony..._

_Edward: And Ivory..._

_Jacob/Edward: Live together in per-fect haarrmmoonyy!_

_Side by side on my piano keyboard!_

_Alice: OOOOHH LORD!!! WHY DON'T WE?_

Emmet: sucking unabashadly on steak, to shock of nearby customers. It sure is nice to everybody getting along.

Bella: Actually, this marks a point in the book where Edward allows me greater leeway in contrast to his overprotectiveness of the early chapters.

Emmet: Mm.

Bella: In fact, the closer he allows me to get to Jacob, the harder it will be to break away from him later on! It's a virtual recipe for disaster.

Emmet: That does make sense.

Jasper: My turn! My turn!

Jasper jumps on stage, suddenly another person does as well

Jasper: GASP!!! ELTON JOHN!!!

music starts playing

EJ: _Don't go stoppin my heart..._

_Jasper: I couldn't if I tried!_

_EJ: Oh honey if I get blood-less!_

_Jasper: Baby you're not that kind!_

Alice: You know, I could have been wrong about Jasper liking girls.

Jacob: Icee, this is New York. Anything goes. That includes random male love song duets.

_Jasper/Elton: AND WOOOOHOOOO! NOBODY KNOWS IT!!!!!_

Edward: He got that much right.

(Next day- back in Forks, WA)

Emmet: Well, see you all later then!

Edward: Oh crap! Alice, you got him the taped version???

Alice: Oh Edward, he was so cute when he asked...

(Jasper is hyperventilating as he watches something on a portable dvd player)

Bella: Jacob's driving me home. kiss Bye Edward.

Edward: Hehe.. Bye.

Jacob: Bye, Edward. detached smile

Edward: Alright, this is getting uncomfortable! Time to investigate!

IN JACOB'S HEAD

Bella: Jacob dear, it's been much too long.

Jacob: I know, Isabella, I know.

Edward: Thinking: Gasp! I thought she LIKED being called Bella!!!

Bella: I want to love you until the day I die and have your children.

Edward: Ouch.

Jacob: And I'll stop turning into a ginormous wolf so we can grow old together, and share the normal lifespan you've always dreamt of!

Edward: Double ouch.

Bella: Oh Jacob...

Jacob: Oh Isabella...

make out

Edward: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Edward: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Bella: Edward! What's wrong??

Edward: Oh! Nothing, nothing...

they walk away as jacob smile behind her shoulder in cheshire-cat fashion

Jacob: (mouths) See you later...

Edward: Hiss...

(At Bella's house)

Jacob: Are you sure you don't want me to...walk you to the door?

Bella: I'm fine, Jake. And stop putting my hand on your knee.

Jacob: Was I doing that? Sorry.

Bella: See you!

Charlie: Bella! Where have you been the past few days? I can't cook , so I didn't eat.

Bella: That's nice. Talk to you later.

Charlie: daddy whimper

Bella: Ah, room sweet room. Wait! My...my socks! They're out of order from reddest to blackest! And...my cds! They used to be smashed up in THAT corner! This can only mean one thing...

Meph.: Long time no see!

Bella: MEPHISTOPHELES!!!!

Meph.: Hey! Relax! I was just in the neighborhood seeing...uh...Harold. Not too often I come up here! You might say I'm a sort of reverse snowbird. I leave the sweltering hot for the frigid cold- there is no middle ground!

Bella: Then why's all my stuff messed up??

Meph.: Hm? Oh, I don't know. But it was like this before I got here. Have you asked one of your little mythological monster friends?

Bella: I guess I should! Thanks!

Meph.: Oh, and one more thing. Seek the one known as...

Bella: As who?

Meph.: Darn! The name escapes me. Well, it's one of those folks you hang out with.

Bella: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Meph.: Bon voyage! Oh, and the bike's out front. I'd start there.

Bella: Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Meph.: Don't mention it! (vanish)

Bella: Sigh. Here we go again.

(runs outside to bike, jumps on)

Bella: Can't! Move! Hands!

Charlie: Bella, I know I usually have the assertiveness of a used dishcloth, but no motorcycles!

Bella: Well, I'd get off if I could Dad, but this is just one of those...headflame TEENAGER THINGS!!!! RAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

Charlie: I give!

She drives away at warp speed, very much fiery

(Cullen household, the Quilete pack and the Cullens are assembled in the front yard.)

Bella: AAAAAHHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAA!!!!! halt

Edward/Jacob: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MY BELOVED IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!

pause

Jasper: Awk-ward!

Bella: You have innocent blood spilled on your--- well, crap, this doesn't work at all!

Emmet: What Bella?

Bella: Well, this is supposed to lead to the person I have to destroy. I get like on a nightly basis otherwise. Bit of a sticky wicket, if you know what I mean.

Alice: Who do you have to destroy?

Bella: raises bone/finger dramatically

Cullens/Pack: bated breath!

Jasper: She really does have a great bone structure!

Bella: One of you!!!

ALL: GASP!!!!

Jacob: Well, it isn't going to be me! I PERSONALLY don't have a record of MURDER!!!!

Edward: Well exxxcccuuuuuuse me Fluffy, but at least some people can go a day without risking ripping their girlfriends face off!

Carlisle/Sam: Boys! This is uncalled for!

Boys: Whimper.

Bella: There's somebody in my room!

Boys: ME!

stare

Bella: And it was one of you. So we have to figure this out!

Esme: But Bella honey, you don't have to! We can forget all this and move on!

Bella: The devil made me do it!

Emmet: Hehehee...

Large chorus of laughter

Bella: What's so funny?

Quilete boys simultaneously: Oh, it's just a quote from a television series of the late thirties. GASP! (they turn to Paul) Why do you have to know all this junk?

Paul: Hello! Anybody remember when SOMEBODY had a little thing called ANTIQUES ROADSHOW FETISH?????

(They stare at Quil.)

Quil: I just like the armoires. I JUST WATCH IT FOR THE ARMOIRES, OKAY????

Edward: Enough! We have to get to Seattle.

Bella: Why?

Edward: Because Victoria is on the run!

ALL: Lets do it gang!

Carlisle: Unveils large van marked Mystery Machine

Esme: Just think about it! Carlisle is like Fred, Bella is like Daphne, Alice is like Velma, Jasper is Shaggy, and we have more Scooby Doos than you can shake a stick at!

Bella: I don't get it.

Paul: Hehe. Jacob can be Scrappy-doo.

Jacob: I'll kill you, Paul!

Scooby Doo theme plays as the group drives away in van

Edward: Scooby snack, anybody?

Werewolves: Grrr...

Emmet: We'll shut up now.

(They drive along road to Seattle)

Jasper: Are we there yet?

Carlisle: No.

Jasper: Are we there yet?

Carlisle: No.

Jasper: Are we-

(in the back of the car)

Alice: Harold, there's something I have to tell you.

Harold: Hm?

Alice: We're pregnant!!!

Harold: CHOKE!!

Jasper: SQUEEE!!!!

Carlisle: What? But how...?

Alice: I just had the vision this morning!

Bella: Oh! That's great! flings arms around Jacob in apparent glee

Edward: Sulk.

Harold: I-I'm, uh, argh, IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME????

(Harold leaps out of car)

Alice: Come back Harry!!!! I haven't even got to the best part!!!!

Harold: WHAT??!!!!

Alice: TRIPLETS!!!!!

Harold: collapses

Bella: Oh, Jake, isn't that great!? Whoosagoodboy??? Whoosagoodboy!!??

(Edward looks on fumingly as Bella gets Jake "riled up", Esme and Carlisle exchanged confused glances)

Esme: Does this mean...?

Carlisle: OKAY!!! I ADMIT IT!!! I LIED!!! VAMPIRES ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF HAVING KIDS!!!!

Wolves/Cullens: Rrr???/GASP!!! car screeches to a halt

_Edward: Bella?_

_Bella: Yes, Edward?_

(somewhere in the distance, a jazz saxophone starts playing)

Jacob: Rararhhar grrrahhh rrmmmm...!

Jasper: Um, translation, Ed?

Edward:

Jasper: Ed?

_Bella/Edward: Love lifts us up where we belong! Where the eagles cry, over miles and miles..._

(Jacob starts howling something that sounds peculiarly like "I'm a Fool to Do Your Dirty Work")

Meph.: pulls up on cop bike, in uniform Any problems here folks?

Jacob: Errr?

Bella: awakening from fantasy Wha?

Edward: "On the mountain high!" Oh, darn.

(Mephistopheles observes huddle of ginormous wolves in back of van, large Harold-shaped hole in side, multi-being lovers triangle and Carlisle collapsed sobbing on the dashboard.)

Esme: Let it out, let it out. pats his back

Meph.: Um, hate to break up the...well, I don't know what exactly you'd call this. But just thought you ought to know you're breaking a couple traffic violations, my son is taking a momentary break back home to revive what's left of his sanity, and, well, we gotta pick up the pace on the assignment, got me, Isabella Swan?

Bella: I don't like you very much right now.

Meph.: Too bad, so sad. Oh, and I got you a jacket! Completely non-flammable too.

(He tosses a black, spiked leather jacket to her.)

Bella: Hell's Bellas?

Meph.: I love me a cheesy slogan! Now, I gotta split. There's a prospect in New York I gotta check out. But that coat will keep the temperature down so long as the job is on. Got me?

Bella: Uh, sure.

Edward: Is this really necessary?

Meph.: Course, son-o-mine.

Edward: goes off to cry in corner

Jasper: Sorry. He's very sensitive about that.

Meph.: De nada, mi amigo. Adios!

(Meph. speeds away)

Bella: Well, I think the worst is over.

Car: Phew.

Bella: combustion

Car: AAHH!!!!

Jasper: FIRE HAZARD!!!! (starts beating Bella's head with carmat)

Jacob: werewolf half-nelson

Jasper: EEK! I'll be a good boy, I swear!!!

Jacob: Gr.

Bella: MAYBE IF I PUT THIS JACKET ON...

(flame off)

Bella: Ah. That's better. Now, to Seattle!

(They reach Pike Place Market)

Jasper: O-M-G! My phone totally went dead on me.

Esme: Please, Jas, no distractions. Carlisle's a little...

(observes Carlisle banging head on streetlamp)

Esme: ...unbalanced today.

Emmet: Okay everyone! I just parked...notices Carlisle. Did I miss anything?

Edward: Oh, no. Not at all.

Emmet: Great! Now, I think we can all make it if we pose as participants in the Eukanuba Tournament of Champions. Everybody grab a leash!

Paul: Greergggs.../I feel violated. Permission to kill?

Sam: Rurmmbggghhh.../Boy, boy, crazy boy.

Jacob: Arfff.../Get cool, boy!

Quil: Graaffhhggmmm../Got a rocket in your pocket,

Embry: Rarf!/ Keep coolly, cool, boy!

Together: ARRROOWWWOAAAOORRRAHHH!!!/Don't get hot, cause man you got, some high times ahead!

Sam: Rurffff.../Takeee it slooowww..., and Daddy-O

Jacob: RRAAAHRRR!!!!/You can live it up and die in bed!

(Cullens stare at pack)

Esme: whispering What were they saying?

Edward: strange, confuzzled expression Trust me, you probably don't want to know. Well, Jasper would, but we all know better than that.

Jasper: Any of you dogs got a razr?

Bella: What do you think?

Jasper: I dunno. I think about FLOW-ers and CAN-dy and RAIN-bows and RAD-cliffes and PON-ies and...

Emmet: Be silent, or we're sending you back to the U.S. militia!

Jasper: Eeep!

Bella: whispering to Edward Why did he ever leave the military in the first place?

Edward: You know those news stories about unnamed homosexuals in the army? Well, that's all we know so far.

Bella: Eeeh...

(They watch as Jasper grabs a pink patent leather leash and races toward Paul)

Paul: YIPE!

Jasper: Calm...Think happy, pretty thoughts...

Paul: Sigh...

Pack: AYP! AYP! AYP!/ We're losin him! We're LOSING HIM!!!!!

Jasper: rubs vigorously That's a goooood boooyyy!!!!!!

Pack: Sigh.

Emmet: Hey Bella- nice jacket.

Bella: Thanks.

Emmet: And now it's mine!

grabs jacket and throws it on happily

Jasper: You know, spikes do become you, Em.

Bella: NOT AGAIN!!

Jacob: Hrrr!!!!! knocks over Emmet, grabs jacket and runs to Bella

Bella: THANKS. OH DARN!!!! singes Jacob's head

Jacob: YIPE!YIPE!YIPE!YIPE!YIPE!

Bella: All better! Oh, Jakey!!

Jacob: side of head smoking faintly

Edward: Well Bella, I hope you like your hot dogs burnt...

Jacob: death glare

Edward: death glare

Jasper: Think! Love-ly thoughts! Think! Love-ly thoughts!

Edward: Sigh...

Jacob: Sigh...

they fall on heap atop sleeping paul

Edward: mumbling But I LIKE the dancing pony!

Jacob: ...but sir, that's no carrot, that's my mother.

Bella: ...

Carlisle: Lets not wake them. Agreed?

communal nod

(Everyone is on pier, dodging glances at their huge leashed dogs.)

Carlisle: And if anyone asks, we are breeders of Greater Czechslovakian Teacup Dread Hounds. Sam is Champ. Snake Eye's Roll of the Dice.

Sam: dog nod

Carlisle: Paul is Bleu Ribbon's Prime Cut.

Paul: dog acknowledgement

Carlisle: Quil is Titan's Rodney and Embry is Olivine's Premier Spot.

E/P: Arf!

Carlisle: And Jacob is Patch-eye's Lucky.

Jacob: Grrrr. (completely bald on one ear, eyes bloodshot from smoke)

Bella: It's alright, Jakey! Be a good boy and mommy will get you a hamburger, oh yes she will, OH YES SHE WILL!!!

bella proceeds to give blissfully unaware jake a vigorous belly rub

Edward: You know Jasper, there are times I envy that low-down scumbag.

Jasper: You want Bella to pay more attention to you?

Edward: Oh yeah...distracted by Bella's presence

Jasper: I can help.

Edward: Oh sure...

Jasper: Really? You mean it? YES!!!! MAKEOVER!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: What?

Alice: Did somebody say makeover?

Bella: Alice! Where did you come from?

Alice: Well, I have a confession to make. I can't actually see into the future.

Bella: So... you aren't pregnant?

Jasper: I'll have to return the onesies...

Alice: Oh, I am. I used an at-home kit for that one!

Jasper: Nevermind!

Alice: But I do have fashion sense.

Jasper: Huh. Not like me you don't!

Alice: Oh, give me a break!

(Suddenly they are on a lit stage, made to look like a hair salon. Carlisle and Esme are in one chair, Bella and Emmet in another, and Edward surrounded by Alice and Jasper in the center. Wolves to the side look uncannily like multicolored french poodles.)

Paul: Snore...wakes Rar????Srargg.../Huh!? Oh my gosh. Is this what heaven is like?

Jacob: out cold

music starts playing...

Alice: _Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!_

_Jasper: No you can't!_

_Alice: Yes I can!_

_Jasper: No you can't!_

_Alice: Yes I can!_

_Jasper: No you can't!_

_Alice: YES I CAN, YES I CAN!!!!_

_Jasper: Anything you design, I'll design faster-yeah, you can try, but I'm faster than you.._

_Alice: No you're not!_

_Jasper: Yes I am!_

_Alice: No you're not!_

_Jasper: Yes I am!_

_Alice: No you're not!_

_Jasper: Yes I am, YES I AM!!!_

_(They seize random implements of styling equipment)_

Edward: What are you doing?

_Alice: I can give him layers, using only razors!_

_Jasper: I can do it nicer, using my incizors!_

_Alice: I can highlight light and dark!_

_Jasper: With only a brush? _

_Alice: Mhm._

_Jasper: I use a shark!_

Edward: passes out

(Alice sings as she pours random quantities of product on Edward's hair, Jasper attacks with his...um...incizors)

_Alice: I can do eyeliner in any color! Aquamarine or a plum-shaded hue!_

_Jasper: (spits out clumps of hair) Tangerine!_

_Alice: Lemon-green!_

_Jasper: Mangosteen!_

_Alice: Mangosteen?_

_Jasper: With an ever-so-silvery sheen!_

_(They work steadily on makeup while others stare in shock.)_

Edward: waking up Where am I? Why does it smell like mangosteen in here???

(Alice/Jasper yanks Edward behind oriental screen. Loud canine cat-calls erupt from side of stage)

_Alice: Any designer I surely know better._

_Jasper: Gucci? Gabbana? They're way beyond you._

_Alice: Missoni!_

_Jasper: Armani!_

_Alice: Sass and Bide!_

_Jasper: Calvin Klein!_

_Edward: Who just stuck a pushpin in my spine???_

Alice: All done! Take a look, everyone!

(Edward is very nice looking. Use your imagination.)

Bella: boom-chicka-WOW-wow

Edward: Oh, what now?

Jacob: Rrrm?/ Wha happened???

Sam: Snarl snap snap/ Look for yourself.

Quil: (to Embry) Wow, there goes one crazy good chunk of man meat.

Embry: ...

Pack: ...

Quil: Sir Loin, my friends, Sir Loin.

Pack: AACK!!!!!

Alice: Well, I hate to leave you know, but Harold should be getting back from his...um..."break", in just a couple hours.

Esme: Drive safely, Alice dear.

Alice: HAH!

Edward/Bella: ..._up where we belong...where the eagles cry...on a mountain high!_

Jacob: _I'm a fool to do your dirty work, oh yeah...But I wanna do your dirty work, oh please!!!!_

Emmet: I don't think that's how the song goes.

Rosalie: So it may not seem. But consider this, my friends. Acobjay Isway ayay Eartbrokenhay overlay.

All: ROSALIE???? WHERE WERE YOU?????

Bella: suddenly has crazy glint in her eye Rosalie!!! Where is she???!!!!!!!

Rosalie: After my most perilious stint in who knows where, I traveled to the temple of Shuri-Kan in Tibet, seeking enlightenment. Doesn't really matter anyway. Up till this point in the book, who actually knew where I was?

Carlisle: I always thought she was in the bathroom.

Pack: Err?/ What the heck!!!!!?????

Bella: KILL!!!!!!

Rosalie: AAAHHH!!!!

Emmet: NOOO!!! She might just like me because of her sick obsession over a kid from the 50s, but I enjoy having an extremely attractive GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Rosalie is narrowly saved, Bella is struggling to stand up, clawing manically at the floor)

Edward: (to Carlisle) You know, there were many reasons to not change Bella. That would definitely be one.

Rosalie: Bella, I understand what you mean. What I did was unkind- cruel, even- and while I can't say I regret it, it's just the way I am!

Jasper: thinking: yay! my turn for dialogue! Hit it!

Rosalie: _Coming home- oh, it's always good_

_I'm the sex-i-est in my neighborhood_

_But I live my life at a hyper pace_

_And who with brains could ignore this face!_

_Though I may look the same to you!_

_Underneath I'm the same girl too!!!_

_Proud to be..._

_The girl next door!_

_Oh I'm the one_

_That the wives abhorr_

_When I walk by..._

_Guess who the husband eyes?_

_And all because- I'm the girl next door!!!_

Rosalie: See you all at the house. I have some...er...business, to attend to.

(Leaves humming random melodies)

Edward: fume

Jasper: Don't mind Eddie. He's musical-intolerant.

Edward: You're brain-intolerant.

Jasper: YOU'RE brain-intolerant!

Edward: Your mom.

Jasper: A-UH-ERR-UMM-AK!!!

Carlisle: Run for your lives, or the lack of one!!!

All: RUN!!!!!!! they leap out of theater

Jasper: RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: running What's wrong with him???

Edward: pant, pant Well, as long as we have known Jasper, he's been slightly off.

Jacob: Grrraarrlll/ Tell me something I don't know!

Bella: But what is this??

Edward: Carlisle thinks it's a dysphoric mania. But me...

looks back at Jasper, now in a primal scream mode

Edward: I'm pretty sure he just got dropped on his head about nine times too many.

(Several hours later, all characters are sitting in a restaraunt. Carlisle, Esme, Emmet, Sam and Bella sit at one table, Paul, Embry, Quil, Jacob and Edward sit at one adjacent it. )

Sam: Well, that was useless.

Emmet: We have no idea where Jasper is, there's a large hole in the van,

Bella: --And I'm no closer to finding the one I must either kill or wrench the soul from in order to free myself from this fiery curse.

All: ...

Edward: Bella?

Bella: Mm?

Edward: Marry me!!!!!

Bella: WHAT?

Pack: WHAT?

Carlisle: I'm too all-knowing a character to be surprised by this turn of events.

Esme: Carlisle, do I have a personality?

Carlisle: We may never know.

Bella: But Edward...

Edward: Yes, my darling?

Bella: YOU-IDIOT-DONT-YOU-HAVE-ANY-SENSITIVITY-TOWARD-MY-SITUATION-AND-THE-FACT-THAT-MY-PARENTS-MARRIED-VERY-YOUNG-AND-THAT-DIDNT-WORK-OUT-DID-IT-NOW?-I-NEVER-GOT-OVER-IT-AND-YOU-DONT-EVEN-CARE-OH-SOB-SOB-SOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Waiter! Bring chocolate. Slabs and slabs of it. Pronto. Oh--

Jacob: bangs head on wall

Edward: I'd like to introduce my buddy to Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. On the double.

(Later, in van)

Sam: JACOB!!! Don't jump out there!

Jacob: WOOOHOO!!! ITS LIKE FLYING hic WITH THE DAISIES AND ALL THAT JAZZ!!!!!!

Emmet: Are you sure it was the right thing to get Jacob all wound up like this?

Edward: No use regretting it now. That bar tab is going to hurt in the morning. So will his head.

Jacob: SO HERES THE STORY FROM A TO Z, YOU WANNA GET WITH ME, YOU GOTTA LISTEN CAREFULLY, WE GOT---

Bella: WAAAAAAHHH!!!!! bite chocolate UHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bite chocolate SSSSOOOOOBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacob: AND AS FOR ME? AH, YOU'LL SEE!!!!

Bella: Mm, nougat.

Jacob: IF YOU-- passes out suddenly, landing abruptly on Paul

Paul: Please, somebody! I can't move!

Edward: Now Bella, I know my proposal took you by surprise...

Bella: _He's speaking to me. Hm. _

Edward: ...but I really think it would be best for our...

Bella: _It's so hard to focus! Edward or chocolate? Edward or chocolate? Mmmm..._

Edward: ...and certainly you'd agree, right Bella?

Bella: _Ooh, this one's got caramel-- _what?

Edward: Do you agree?

Bella: Oh, sure, sure. _Ugh, orange. I hate the orange ones. I mean, come on, pick one people! Orange or chocolate! Who decided oranges and chocolate mixed together would be so delicious? I should make chocolates. I should write a book. Hey, I could have an autobiography! Blood and Chocolate! Story of my life!_

Paul: _Hm, no one has noticed Jacob thrown atop me. This is slightly concerning. I guess I can contemplate my life now. After all, I have no lines after this point in the book. I wonder what happens to me? And what do I symbolize anymore? I know I used to be the pack equivilant of Jasper, just like Embry is Emmet and Quil is Alice. Wow, Quil is Alice. Weird thought. Ugh- Jacob is drooling on my thigh. _

Edward: (to Carlisle) Wow, was that a relief. And to think, I thought she was going to say no!

Carlisle: very distracted Um, sure, yeah. Hey Edward- you drive them home, okay? I've got some business to attend to.

Edward: Sure Carlizlay.

All: HAHAHAHAAA, come on, who actually pronounces his name like that?

Edward: turns toward audience Who indeed?

(LATER, in front of Bella's house.)

Bella/Edward: kiss

Vampires: Aww.

Pack: howls in an oh-my-aching-butt way

Bella: Goodbye!

(Bella walks inside the house)

Bella: Dad! Dad, where are you? Hm. Smells kind of funny in here.

(As Bella walks by, we see a skeleton dressed uncannily like Charlie on the couch, still hunched over a copy of "Cooking for Dummies")

Bella: Hey, it's the newspaper! While it's totally out of character for me to care about what's going on within a forty mile radius of Forks, Washington, lets have a looksee!

SEATTLE- A RIGHT BLOODY MESS

City wonders- why do we even bother?

At first we were alone- we were petrified. How could we live without a law force standing on our side? But now we've spent so many nights with people dropping off in throngs, and we ain't strong- oh, how will we get along? The killer's back- without a face. Oh, we've had a very gory past we'd much rather erase. We should have hired that stupid cop, lock gangsters up and toss the key, if we had known for just one second, all the horrors we would see.

Don't run and go- just lock the door. Stay in your home now- death's not a state you would adore. Now the law and order system's given up with but a sigh- oh how it's crumbled- because we won't even try.

Though it's awry, we don't want to die! Oh, as long as the check's in the mail, we'll dodge the public eye. Quote Officer Smith when we interviewed him on last saturday, we won't survive, we won't survive, oy vey!

Bella: Weird. That sounds one heckadoodle like a vampire unleashed on a moderately populated city! Hmm, I wonder what this could have to do with my mission from Mephistopheles.

Meph.: Opa!

Bella: Speak of the devil, here he comes!

Meph.: Look, I know this hasn't been easy. Heck, I made it that way! I get very bored, you see.

Bella: Okay. So, what are you doing here?

Meph.: _It smells in here._

Bella: Mep??

Meph.: Oh, yes! I just came to drop an irritating hint as to whom exactly you should be seeking out.

Bella: Didn't see that one coming.

Meph.: Of course you didn't, Isakilla.

Bella: Bella, it's Isabella.

Meph.: Wtevr. Anywy, the vctm is nt a wlf.

Bella: Are you texting again?

Meph.: idk.

Bella: Meph!

Meph.: Alright already! Just seek the one known as...not canine in any way, shape or form.

Bella: Okay!

Edward: Oh my fiance...!

Meph.: That's my cue! runs out

Bella: Fiance??? When did this happen?

Edward: Never you mind! Now, for the RING!!!!

Bella: AAA!!!!

(Edward chases Bella madly around room trying to cram ring on her finger)

Edward: One ring to rule them---

Bella: What the heck??

Edward: One ring to find them

Bella: I've got mace! Not afraid to use it!

Edward: One ring to get us hitched, and in the darkness--

(Bella stops abruptly as her imagination goes running in a very edgy direction)

Bella: Oh, the glorious darkness my Eddy-deddy-weddy-kins...begins running around lighting candles, turning on various cds

Stereo: _And you want her, and she wants you..._

Edward: stops abruptly

Bella: yanks Victoria's Secret bag out of the cupboard

Edward: No! Wait! Not like that!

Stereo: WHAT?

Bella: WHAT?

Edward: What?

Bella: But EDWARD!!! I want to break some kind of underage law here!!!

Edward: OH YOU ARE SO INSENSITIVE HOW COULD YOU PUT THIS KIND OF PRESSURE ON ME I MEAN COME ON IM ONLY IMMORTAL FOR PETES SAKE!!!!!!!

Bella?

Edward: Oh, wait. That was your line, wasn't it?

Bella: nod

Edward: Hm. Sorry. Go on.

Bella: Thank you. AND I MEAN EVEN THOUGH I INTEND TO LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER WHY MARRAIGE I MEAN IM TOO YOUNG AND SURE I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE AT A YOUNG AGE BUT MARRAIGE IS SO MUCH MORE HARD TO COMPREHEND THAN LIVING BY SUCKING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF BAMBI!!!!!!

Edward: I understand Bella. But look at it this way. I get my wish of you marrying me. You're getting vampirism, the time, place and manner of being bitten, your choice of wedding details, you still get to be around Jacob, and now this!

Bella: How did my advances at romance turn into this conversation?

Edward: My guess is as good as yours.

Bella: Hm. I guess you're right. And after all, I've realized at this point that it's impossible for me to ever truly get my way. Whenever I do, the author brings up how you could physically overpower me with both hands tied behind your back and a can of baking powder in your mouth. This should be a bit concerning, but hey, since when have I showed any signs of intelligent life?

Edward: You've got a point there Bella. Good girl! pats Bella on head

Bella: adoring gaze Can I kiss the ground you walk on?

Edward: No.

Bella: Okay. gaze continues

(suddenly, the door bursts open, as Eric from school rushes in with his clothes torn in shreds)

Eric: I've got it! I know what happened! Okay Bella, Edward, I know what can make this whole mess work out! All you have to do is---

(door bursts open again, Eric passes out from the impact on his head and Angela leaps into the living room)

Angela: Where is he?? I'LL KILL HIM!!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!

Edward/Bella: shock

Angela: Oh, Bella, Edward. How's it going?

LONG SILENCE

Angela: Maybe I should explain. You see, unbeknownst to you normal students of Forks High, there is an entire world of warring mythological creatures that reaches into a time of legend and intrigue. I am among them. I am...

dramatic silence

Angela: THE HATFIELDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eric: AND I'M A MCCOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: B-bb-but???

Angela: RAAAAHHH!!!!! claws Eric savagely

Eric: AAHAAA!!!!! yanks bowie knife from holster around waist

Edward: Now lets just be reasonable here!!

Eric/Angela: RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Run, Bella!!!

(Bella flees outside as Edward advances on the sparring family members)

Bella: Edward! You're back! What happened?

Edward: wiping mouth conspicuosly Lets just say Eric will never have to give another speech. Or talk, for that matter!

Bella: Well, I guess we can get married... BUT NO RING!!!

(Edward freezes in the middle of thrusting it on)

Edward: Grr...--freezes

Bella: What's wrong?

Edward: light, feminine voice Omigosh!!!! There's an army of newborns!!!! Coming for us!!!! AAAHH!!!!

Bella: WHAT?

(Bella yanks shivering Edward on motorcycle, speeds away with a huge billow of smoke.

Angela: crawling out from behind door I'm not dead! I'M NOT DEAD!!!! Ech. It does sting a tad though.

Eric: GASP!

Angela: You're alive!!!

Eric: sniff What's that burning smell?

Angela: OH FOR THE LOVE OF MARRYING YOUR COUSINS, IT BURNS!!!!

meanwhile...

Edward: BELLAAA!!!! I PREFER MY FACIAL FEATURES MEDIUM RARE, THANKS!!!!

BELLA: WRRAAAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

(they arrive in front of Cullen household. Alice sits up front)

Alice: A battle! Much destruction, I see. Unity we must know, the Quilete pack and our own.

Emmet: Hey! MAYBE, just MAYBE...

Bella: The break-in at my house...

Edward: The murders in Seattle...

Carlisle: And Alice's prediction...

All: ARE CONNECTED!!!!

Victoria: Glad you got that one worked out.

All: GASP! VICTORIA!

Victoria: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, we fight on the morrow, at high noon. My life sucks. I think I'll go paint my nails now.

walks away slowly

Emmet: There's something wrong about going to war against THAT. I just can't put my finger on it!

Edward: to bella took her account down yesterday. Said she just doesn't have what it takes to keep up in the fast-paced world of mythological careers.

(Suddenly, a cloud of smoke pours from the forest. Loud music not unlike that of ACDC's thunderstruck begins playing. Walking out in a hitler-esque uniform is Jasper.)

All: JASPER! YOU'RE BACK!!!

Jasper: You will address me not as Jasper, but as Liutenant Colonel Whitlock, at all times! Is that clear?

All: ...

Jasper: IS THAT CLEAR!!!????

All: SIR YES SIR!!!

Bella: What happened to him?

Edward: I don't think I want to know.

Jasper: And you...the hated one! points at Edward

Edward: YES DRILL SERGEANT???

Jasper: COFFEE BOY!!!!!

Edward: What?

Jasper: What, are you deaf as well as brainless? Coffee! Half decaf, half caf, Blue Jamocha, one part creamer to two parts sugar in the raw! On the double!!!

Edward: runs away rapidly

Jasper: Now...turns to group you already know that we alone are not sufficient a force to overcome this hallowed threat. So I have enlisted the help of...whistle!!!!

Pack: leap in

Paul: starts playing "we will rock you" on the kazoo

Sam: facepalm

Alice: Not them again!!! And besides, we can handle it! Harold is back!

Harold: unconsciously shivers

Alice: The trio knowing smile isn't due for a while anyway, so you can count us in!

Harold: sob

Bella: Do you have any names picked out?

Harold: We've...got voice trembles A FEW IN MIND!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!

Alice: Oh Harry. to Bella He doesn't feel ready for fatherhood just yet. Sure, he can wrench the contract of San Bengonza from his father's minion, but can he face changing a few diapers once in a while, no.

Bella: Don't worry Harold. You'll only have them for...hm, well, I guess you'd have them forever, wouldn't you?

Harold: runs screaming in other direction

Alice: HARRY, COME BACK!!!!

Jasper: To business, men!

Bella: a-HEM!!!!

Jasper: Oh, Bella, in case you haven't already realized this, you are completely useless to us. Being mortal and a rather average one at that, we really only keep you around because of Edward's boyish whims. To those of us more fond of you, it's really more on the level of a somewhat incompetent pet, or a bird that keeps flying into the same glass window, over and over again.

Bella: lip trembles dangerously

Emmet: I think she might pull a Harold.

Edward: runs in from forest, clenching grande cup I...gasp! brought your pant! Jamocha!!!

Jasper: sips warily, before hurling the cup at Edward furiously YOU FOOL!!! I asked for SUGAR IN THE RAW!!! This is SPLENDA!!!! And nutmeg?????? I'M ALLERGIC TO NUTMEG!!! Are you trying to kill me, you worthless little grease monkey???

Edward: Did I do a bad thing?

Carlisle: Oh Edward. Here, make yourself useful- just drag Bella at random through the woods to create a scent trail for the oncoming newborns. While the logic in this escapes me, I have a sinking feeling that Jas..., I mean, Sergeant Whitlock, might kill you if you stick around much longer.

Jasper is discussing the benefits of mass genocide to a horrified Quil

Edward: Hm. Maybe you're right.

(Later, Edward and Bella are back in the woods, walking slowly through it.)

Edward: So just leave your scent wherever you can, however you can, alright?

Bella: I'll do ANYTHING for you Edward!

(Two minutes later)

Bella: La la LA rubs hands on trees as she skips by

Edward: _It's do-able._

Bella: Eerrrraah!!! worms across ground

Edward: Okaaaay...

Bella: Ouch!!! YES!!! rips hair out in clumps, hurling it to the ground.

Edward: Bella?

Bella: NO LOOKING!!! crouches behind tree...

Edward: DEAR LORD!!!!!!

(Later, they are sitting on a tree stump chatting)

Edward: So that's how I wiped out the criminal population of Albequeque, New Mexico!

Bella: agape

long silence

Bella: You know Edward, I've always compared you in my mind to Michaelangelo's David.

Edward: What?

Bella: Oh, nothing.

Edward: I've always thought of you like a frail, innocent lamb.

Bella: _What?? Come on!!! I picked a piece of art for crying out loud! And he thinks I'm a rack of "whats for dinner"!!!!!_

Edward: Sigh...

Bella: Sigh...

Billy: wheels by slowly down path, stopping abruptly to stare at the couple with eerily wide eyes

Edward/Bella: ...?

Billy: Once long ago, a bunch of people argued, and some people fought, and a few more turned into werewolves. Then a vampire came to screw everything up, killed some people, and then the werewolves killed the vampire. Bella should sacrifice what little she can do to help in the oncoming battle. I, along with some other nearly nameless old guys, might have fathered Embry. Seth and Leah are now werewolves. Anything else I forgot to mention?

Edward : Nope, I think that's about it.

Billy: Grreeeaaaatttt...freezes, stares at them for 30 seconds more, then wheels off with a squeaky noise as he goes

Bella: Wait- if he's wheelchair-bound, how did he get up here?

Edward: Hm?

Bella: Oh, nevermind...

(LATER...in the meadow, Cullens/Pack are training)

Jasper: LEFT! LEFT! LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT!

Alice: Jasper, we're not marching, we're learning to fight vampires.

Jasper: It's SERGEANT WHITLOCK!! AND THE MARCH IS APPLICABLE IN MANY PLACES!!

Emmet: talking hurredly to Paul, Quil and Embry Anyhoo, me and Jasper had this bet, see, on how many people Bella will kill once she's a newborn herself. You in?

Paul: Graarrllshrr.../ Is he an idiot?

Quil: Snarrrsshhffff/ Saying this to us? Yeah, he's an idiot.

Embry: Hhrrrmmmmm??/ I wonder...was my father an idiot?

awkward wolf-silence

Emmet: I'll take that as a maybe. Odds are in your favor if you side with me!

(On the Hillock, Bella is lying down on Jacob, gazing at the stars. Abruptly, she sits up.)

Bella: You know, this is cozy and all, but it could be better.

Jacob: Hrrm?

Edward: HOW MAY I SERVE YOU??? I AM YOUR EVERLASTING LOVE-SLAVE!

Bella: Well, if only it was a little more like a bed!

Edward: SHALL I TAN HIS HIDE AND STUFF IT WITH GOOSE DOWN????

Jacob: YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!

Bella: No, just...more of it.

Edward: BREAK HIS JOINTS? TAKE HIM OFF WEIGHT WATCHERS?? ADD MORE WOLVES???

Bella: Sure, add more wolves!

(Minutes later...)

Bella: Mmmm...cozy!

Paul: I feel violated. Well, moreso than usual.

Quil: EMBRY!!! YOU'RE INVADING MY PERSONAL BUBBLE!!!

Embry: So not my fault. Besides, Sam's practically eating my fur!

Sam: I didn't know you used Herbal Essences, Em!!!! Mmm. So perfectly fruity, and yet, so unobtrusive!

Paul: Where is Jacob in all this? Jacob!! Uhh...Jacob?

Bella: Who's Bella's favorite little boy??? YOU!!! Yes you ARE a good boy!!! OHYESYOUARE!!!!!

Jacob: yay!

Pack: werewolf facepalm

Bella: So Edward- what's with the sudden compliance of all my wishes?

Edward: Well Bella, it's just that...breaks up lately...tears I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN YOUR HAPPINESS!!!!!

Bella: Aww...my little Eddy-weddy-dedddy-meddy-teddy-kins!!!! comforting huggely-bugglies

Edward: joy!

Jacob: grrr

Alice: You know, you'd think it would be the pregnant women in this outfit getting all emotional. But NOOOO, it's the perpetually adolescent boys!!!

(The next day at Bella's house)

Bella: Bye Dad!! See you in week or so!

Charlie: dead

(At the mountain, in a tent)

Edward: glare

Jacob: glare

Bella: sticks head out of tent So Seth, I know I never really got to know you before this point in the story, and sure, this isn't the best time to be making friendly-like, but how's life treating you?

Seth: Graarllfff snarrf mrrffaaarr!/ Why, thank you for asking, Ms. Swan. In fact, I am a child genius, which none of the pack has yet to understand, due to my mind's impenetrable nature for it's superior intellect. I am a many-faceted character, but given the author really just added me as a bit piece to incorporate all of her brothers into the story, a great doubt looms in my mind as to the future of my existence.

Bella: Great, that's just great Sethy...stares at guys in tent

Seth: whine

(Suddenly and without warning, a blizzard covers the scene)

Bella: WAAHHH!!! I'M COLD!!!! COMPETE TO SAVE ME, INTERESTED MALES!!!!!

Edward: giant hug

Bella: I think I can feel my fingertips freezing.

Jacob: No, you fool!!! yanks out large can of lighter fluid

Bella/Edward: NO!!!!!

Seth: _Maybe if Jacob lay beside Bella in the sleeping bag, her life would be saved!_

_Jacob: Thank God for the pack connection! _Hey everybody! Maybe if I lie beside her in the sleeping bag, Bella's life will be saved!

Seth: grr

Edward: To substitute for a father figure in this situation, I say that's OUT OF LINE MISTER!!!!

Bella: Mmmmm...WARM Jakey...

Edward: sniffle

Later...

Bella: So warm...so sleepy...

half-sleep

Jacob: Is she asleep?

Edward: Yes, at last, sweetie. slides over

Jacob: Hmm! She has no idea, does she. ditto

Edward: Not at all. Oh, Jake! You rascal.

Jacob: I wish I could read YOUR mind, Edward.

Edward: Maybe you don't have to...

leans in

Bella: AAAAHHH!!!!!

Edward: Bella! Are you alright? You were dreaming.

Bella: Huh?

Jacob: Edward and I were just talking. We think we've come to an understanding.

Bella: Thats...uh, great! shudder

long silence

Edward: I'm not sure why, but I think it's time to turn violent! suckerpunches Jacob

Jacob: Hwuaaa!! falls backward

Bella: Violence is not the answer!

Seth: RRAAA!!!

All: What???

Seth: GRAARR!!

Victoria: Bleh!!!!!

All: AH! IT'S VICTORIA!!!

Victoria: Time to die...for you!

Bella: Deja vu.

Victoria: Say hello to my little friend, whats-his-face!

Riley: Bleh!!!

Edward: gage for competitor capabilities

Jacob: Can he top us?

Edward: Doesn't seem so.

J/E: relieved sigh

Jacob: I'm going to disappear now for no good reason, but before I leave...

Bella?

Jacob kisses Bella passionately

Edward: pulls out book of depressing poetry, begins reading between sobs

kiss ends, Jacob runs off

Bella: Wow, I actually love BOTH of them?

Seth: _Like no one saw THAT coming._

Victoria/Riley: HUZZAH!!!

Edward: WAIT!!!

All: WHAT!?

Edward: We are no ordinary enemies. And this war calls for no mere conflict. We must go beyond, into uncharted waters of animosity.

All: ...???

Edward: We fight with...MONOPOLY! yanks board out from behind back

shocked silence

Victoria: So be it. I CALL THE TOP HAT!!!

Riley: RACECAR!!

Seth: THE RACECAR IS MINE!!!

Bella: BOYS! Save it for the game.

(Later...)

Bella: Go to jail? Do not pass go?? DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS????

Victoria: Oh, get over it. I've gotten luxury tax every time for the past four turns.

Riley: I'd like to put a hotel on Baltic!

Edward: You incompetent newborn. The power lies in the mid-range properties!

Riley: I think you just like the hot pink ones.

Edward: You'll pay dearly for that one, blondie.

Seth: I'll buy...Boardwalk!!!

loud groans

Victoria: NO ONE buys Boardwalk! It's useless! Expensive! Not worth the time and money!

Edward: shakes head sadly

silence as game goes on. tension is high in the air

Bella: _Wait...surveys board we can't win. Unless..._

eerie voice echoes in her mind

Billy: Bella should sacrifice what little she can do to help in the oncoming battle...

Bella: _It's the least I can do..._

seizing the ironing board piece, Bella dramatically raises it to her arm

Edward: abruptly stops shuffling property cards

Victoria: pauses in mid dice roll

Riley/Seth: stare like the uninteresting secondary characters that they are

Bella: _Argh! So blunt...Ah, there we go now! _blood drips down arm

All: GASP!!!

(Victoria leaps with Riley, Edward and Seth jump after)

Edward crouched in front of Victoria, they circle each other furiously

Victoria: You never did return that 25 bucks, buddy boy...

Edward: Maybe I would've, if SOMEBODY hadn't lowballed me on that Marvin Gardens deal!!!

meanwhile, Seth and Riley sit across from each other placidly

Riley: ...so, really, we're all doomed anyway, aren't we?

Seth: Honestly, we are. You know you're going to die here, right?

Riley: Yep. You know, just make it easy for yourself. goes limp on ground

Seth: Nice knowing ya, Ralph.

Riley: Same to you.

Seth proceeds to tear Riley into small, manageable chunks

Edward: SNARL!!!!

Victoria: HISSSS!!!!

Bella: BELLA!!!!

Seth: JACOB!!!!

Bella/Edward: JACOB????

Victoria: WHO'S JACOB????

Edward takes this moment to decapitate Victoria

Victoria: _Oh I ain't got no-body..._

Edward: We're all right!!! We're fine!!!

Seth: YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!

They stop abruptly, sit down a few seconds, then go around collecting bits-o-vampire as per usual

Bella: This isn't strange at all. In fact, I think I'll just choose to forget it entirely until this knowledge actually matters!

Edward: Bella! You didn't have to do that at all! Didn't you SEEEE that I was about to pass go, put two more houses on my magenta monopoly with the money and nail Victoria, while Seth was wiping out Riley with his high-budget powerhouses???

Bella: Edward...you're DISCONTENTING ME!!!!

Edward: OH FORGIVE ME, LOVE!!!!! rushes to Bella, clings desperately

Bella: bursts into flames

Edward: YOW!!!!

Bella: AH! No! FIRE ELEMENT!!! Quit it already, read me???

Edward: side of head smoking violently But I thought the coat was supposed to stop this kind of thing?

Bella: It is!!

Seth: blown back just a tad

Bella: It's okay Sethy...

Seth: goes running away in opposite direction yelping indistinct canine profanities

Edward: Come on- lets go back to the clearing.

(Later, in the clearing, Cullens are gathered with Bella, staring at her skull with undisguised horror.)

Bella: ...blah blah blah...WAIT!

Cullens: What?

Bella: Where is love pt. 2, Jacob???

Cullens: Injured, though not fatally.

Bella: OH, for the love of bunsen burners, it must be my fault in some way, shape or form!!!

(Bella starts evaporating moisture, suddenly Angela and Eric walk into the clearing)

Edward: Wha...?

Angela: Alright, will somebody explain what's going on? Me and Little Miss Brain over here have been writhing in pain at some ditch for the past three days, and soon as it lets up, we figure out we can't strangle each other!!!

Eric: My life is without meaning. curls up into fetal position and sobs silently

Emmet: Didn't anybody ask to help you?

Angela: One dude with big hair and this crazy trench coat said we could ride for him if he'd help, but he seemed kind of shady, and besides, Eric started attacking his leg.

Alice: YONDER!! THE VOLTURI!!!

(sing to tune of Beverly Hills, by Weezer)

_Aro: Where we came from, well it's all so great!_

_Our automobiles top the racecar track_

_Our fashion sense cannot take no smack_

_And the only friend I need is me!_

_Caius: I ain't no other vampire's fool_

_Even though the girls- they be checking me_

_Though they should cause I_

_Got so much money in my pockets!_

_Jane: Volterra, yeah!_

_That is the place to be!_

_Aro: Yipee, yipee!_

_Jane: Volterra, yeah!_

_Caius: Living there in Italy!_

_Aro: Yipee, yipee!_

_All: Cause we're the Volturi!_

_Aro: Look at all these Cullen vamps_

_Think they're so innocent they gleam!_

_Jane: Were I not an evil girl_

_I'd join their fam, admittedly._

_Caius: Who'd wanna live a life like that?_

_When there in Europe I'm a king?_

_Aro: All the tourists there to choose_

_All: SO WE CAN SUCK THEM CLEAN!!!_

Alice: We get the idea.

Carlisle: What do you want?

Aro: _Oh Carlisle, you KNOW what I want!_

Edward: Aro!

Aro: ANYHOO, a little birdy told us about your newborn-slaying exploits- what's the dealio?

Alice: WELL NOW, MAYBE IF YOU'D GOTTEN THE BRIGHT IDEA TO CHECK OUT THIS BLEEPING TOWN ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU'D NOTICE THAT THERE WAS AN ARMY OF BLEEP NEWBORNS FIXED ON SEEING US DEAD!!!!!!!!!!

All: Alice???

Alice: RARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE??? I DON'T LIKE TUPPERWARE!!!!!!!!!!

Rosalie: I'm back!!!

All: staring at raging Alice

Rosalie: He-lloooo? Oh, Alice!!!

Alice: WHAT'S WITH AIRLINE FOOD????

Rosalie: Why don't you come with me...

leads Alice away rapidly

Alice: I FIND YOU SO FREAKISHLY UGLY, YOU KNOW THAT???

Rosalie: sigh

Jane: Now, I don't like any of you, and your deaths would please me immensely, not to ment---

Aro: What I think she is trying to say is, while we're sure you are sound of judgement, and certain choice---

Caius: We're here to kill the other newborns.

Jane: Lets get this over with...

(Volturi race toward horrified Angela and Eric)

Angela: WAIT!!! We just got here! We didn't kill anybody!

Eric: She's lying!

Angela: Eric, you idiot, they're going to kill us both!

Eric: I don't care! You and your family are a bunch of low-down scum, eeeeverry last one of you! faces Volturi Do what you must, villians!

Caius: destroys

Bella: Edward, we could have saved them!

Edward: Saved who?


End file.
